I was 21. I was a single waitress living in an apartment, and had just blown the engine on my car. I was making poor choices with men and I was drinking quite a bit.
The bad choices began when my parents got a divorce when I was 18 just before I graduated from high school. What I thought my future would look like had suddenly changed, and I did not cope well with the change in direction. I felt very alone. I was trying to figure out what to do, taking a few classes at JC, planning on becoming a nurse but not really working at my classes, waiting tables, drinking with my friends, dating the wrong kind of men.
I knew immediately when I got pregnant. I knew the moment it happened. I even prayed that I wasn’t pregnant but I knew it was too late. It scared me. I took several pregnancy tests that came up negative so I went to a clinic and asked for a blood test, which came back positive.
I was one of those people that said I would never have an abortion. I didn’t feel it was right to make that decision for other people, but I always said I would never do it. I told a couple of my friends. One of them had had an abortion a few years earlier and didn’t think it was a big deal. Another friend had three abortions (which were devastating to her). Then I told the “father”, and he told me that he didn’t want a baby. If he was going to be a Dad, “it would have been with his previous girlfriend that he really loved and not with me”. And she had three abortions. He offered to pay for it, but he never did and I never saw him again. He was also related to one of my close friends.
So, I was on my own. I shared my crisis with a few people, and they all asked what I was going to do. How would I take care of a baby? My own life was a mess. I wanted to have my baby, but I could not see past my fear, and I did not have someone in my life that would help guide me through this crisis. The clinic where I had the blood test gave me a number for a doctor who performed abortions. No one ever asked me what I wanted to do. It seemed to me everyone assumed I would have an abortion.
So, I made the decision even though I felt it was wrong with every fiber of my being. I was not strong enough, feeling completely alone, to make the decision I wanted which was to have my baby. So, I made the appointment with the doctor who never mentioned any other alternatives.
I remember the office seemed like a normal doctor’s office, except it wasn’t. It did not have a good feeling inside. I remember the front desk and being given the release form that stated all the possible complications like hemorrhage, death, infertility, etc., that could happen. I almost left, but I didn’t. A friend drove me there, and then drove me home.
I went into the back office and a nurse (I think) came in and gave me a gown. I don’t remember anyone explaining the procedure to me. It may have been done, but I don’t remember it. I was terrified of what was about to happen. I remember the nurse gave me two blue pills. I have no idea what they were. I remember the nurse was kind but I also remember wondering what else was going on with her. She seemed hesitant, or something. I don’t really know how to describe it.
Then, the doctor came in and talked to me briefly. I remember lying down like you would for a gyn exam and the sound of the machine. I began to cry. I remember the pain of the procedure. It was excruciating. I held the nurse’s hand so tight that I thought I would break her fingers. I remember audibly crying out to God over and over asking Him to forgive me for what I was doing. My friend later told me she could hear me crying out in the waiting room.
I felt dazed and exhausted when it was over. I remember the blood, and the canister that contained blood and tissue, and thinking “that’s what I did to my baby”. The precious presence I felt before was now gone.
My friend drove me home and I wanted to be alone. I don’t know how long I stayed in bed. I felt unspeakable grief and regret. It was so deep. I felt numb, and depressed.
I started to drink a lot more. I worked hard and I played hard. I decided the only person I could count on was myself. I didn’t need anyone, nor could I count on anyone. I had a few good friends and my younger brother, but I “knew” in my hardened broken heart that I could only depend on myself to make it through this life. I was depressed, angry, fearful. I felt extreme shame and regret. I had no purpose except to work, and party. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t know how to change it. I lived that way for many years . . .
Seven years later, I had an encounter with God. With Jesus. He forgave me for everything I’ve ever done wrong, even the abortion. I felt a love for me I never imagined was possible, and peace in my heart for the first time in seven years. And He gave me a new start.
I got married to a wonderful man a year later and have three amazing kids now, and a beautiful daughter-in-law. God has blessed me with a beautiful life. One I don’t deserve and haven’t earned. But that’s who He is. Full of forgiveness, mercy, grace, healing, and blessings.
I lived with the secret of abortion for more than 25 years. And I am done hiding it. The truth of the destruction of abortion must be made known.
I must speak out about how abortion devastates women and kills babies. My goal is to help women in crisis who just need someone to tell them they have someone who cares about them, will listen to them, pray for them, and encourage them to make a decision for the life they carry. There is no obstacle too big that can’t be overcome with God’s help, friendship and support. Keep looking until you find it. Look for Women’s Resource Clinics in your area, who offer the supportive services you need to go forward on your new adventure of being a mom.
Bio: I have been married to my incredible husband, Mike, for nearly 25 years. We have three grown sons, and a daughter-in-law. I am a Registered Nurse, and I work with my husband in our financial management business.