This is a video story that I did for a fundraising event.  I’m passionate about women who face the same crisis I did.  If you are facing this crisis of an unplanned pregnancy, I encourage you to seek alternatives to abortion.  You are a mother now, today.  Your baby depends on you from the moment of conception for its health and safety.

I find it so ironic that the “feminist” movement says women can do anything, i.e., be a wife, mother, work, go to school, do anything she wants because she’s so strong and capable, she can handle it all.  Yet, when it comes to an unplanned pregnancy, they immediately jump to abortion because a baby will “interfere” with their current lifestyle, plans, goals, whatever.  There are many possible life changing events that will happen in a lifetime, and we have to make adjustments.  Becoming a mother, whether it’s planned or unplanned, is one of those adjustments.  Women were created to handle it.  And not just handle it, but to thrive, have great joy, and find fulfillment from it.  And if this is truly not the time in your life when you want to have a baby, you can be fulfilled by giving your baby life and giving joy to another couple who is ready to raise a child.  Your life has already changed.  Your next decision will either be one you can be proud of, or one you will regret.  Having an abortion is something I do not want you to experience.  Seek help in finding alternatives, and do not stop looking until you get what you need.  Help is out there, primarily in faith based women’s resource clinics.  They will love you and your baby.  No strings attached.

If have already had an abortion, there is help for you too.  There is a way to find peace, forgiveness, and freedom from the heartache of your choice.  These same resource clinics often have post-abortion groups, run by women who have the same experience.  It affected me deeply to hear the stories of other women, and to share my own story.  We all got to the choice a different way, but we all suffered intensely from that choice.  There is no judgment.  Only healing and a road to peace.  As an alternative, if you cannot find a group to go to, there are also books available online.  I recommend Surrendering the Secret, or Her Choice to Heal.

I pray for God’s guidance, strength, comfort, and wisdom for you.

Why is it important to share your story?

The media and politicians talk about the absolute must-have right to abortion, that women MUST have a choice!  They are vehemently opposed to clinics that provide ultrasound, and discuss keeping your baby or adoption.  Why?  The clinic I went to never discussed options with me.  They just handed me a card to an abortion doctor.

And w­­­­hy is it that most women who have had abortions hide that fact?  The silence of post-abortive women makes it easy to portray abortion as a simple, easy, get-on-with-your-life procedure.  And nothing could be further from the truth.

Is it because of your personal pain that you do not speak about it?  Please seek healing and freedom! Find a faith-based post-abortion group, or buy a book about post-abortion healing (recommendations below).  Start your healing/freedom journey today!

Is it because you are afraid of what people will think of you?  We see people all the time who tell their traumatic stories, and how their lives have changed.  They tell their stories on Facebook, in schools, in church, at political events, at motivational speaking events, and people get emotional and praise them for being so inspiring by telling their story to help others.  What is different about our story?  The only difference is how we feel about it.  But your story can inspire others!!

I told my story to a co-worker a while back.  Recently, she told me her sister had an unplanned pregnancy and was considering abortion.  She told her sister my story, and the devastating regret I experienced, and her sister made the decision to keep her baby.  She now has a beautiful niece that may not have been here.

Your story has the power to change lives!!!

I used to wonder at times what people think when I tell my story.  If they would be shocked, appalled, or call me a “baby-killer”.  But not anymore.  They aren’t the ones who matter.  The ones who matter are the women who are suffering in silence.  The ones who need to know they can be forgiven and their broken hearts healed.  The ones who are considering abortion, a decision they will not comprehend until it’s too late.  They are the ones who matter.   And if God is for me (you), then who can be against me (you)?   And I have received far more support than criticism.

Be bold!  You’ll be surprised by the support you receive, and the lives your story will change!!

Recommended Reading: I like the Surrendering the Secret curriculum.  If you can find a post-abortion group, I highly recommend it.  If not, get the book and if you have a trusted friend to talk to,  do that.  Her Choice to Heal is also good book.  Both available on Amazon.

That’s what I used to say.  I ask myself now, why did I say that?  It took me a long time before I could honestly ask myself this question.  Why did I think it was wrong for me?  Why didn’t I think it would be wrong for someone else if they wanted to have an abortion?

The reason I said I would never have an abortion is because I believed it was a life.  A baby.  An unborn child.  When I struggled with the decision to have an abortion, even though what I really wanted was to have my baby, I told myself if it didn’t have a heartbeat, and if I made the decision before that happened, it would be okay.  But it wasn’t even a little okay, and if you’ve read My Story, you know how I reacted.  No matter what I told myself, my heart knew the truth.  To have an abortion would mean ending a life.  At that time, I was not a Christian.  I was not raised in church.  I went to church a few times when I was younger, but that was it.  Where then did the thinking come from, that pregnancy meant life?  It was already written on my heart.

I ask myself, why is it that a woman who wants her baby tells everyone joyfully about becoming a mom as soon as she finds out?  And everyone celebrates with her? It’s because she already knows she’s a mom.  It doesn’t happen in nine months when she finally gets to hold the baby.  It starts immediately.  Clothes shopping, what’s the best and safest car seat, stroller shopping, planning a nursery, baby showers, celebrating, expectantly.  Watching week by week the development of her precious baby.  This week a heartbeat, next week hair, fingers and toes, etc., etc.  She doesn’t think to herself, ok now at ___ weeks, it’s finally a real baby.  It starts Day 1.  She worries about doing anything that might hurt her baby.  Careful with the caffeine, no alcohol.  Watch what you eat.  Get your folic acid.  Take care of yourself so you don’t do anything to harm your baby.  Protect, protect, protect.  The way it should be.

Where then did the notion come from that we could arbitrarily decide to end this life?  When it’s “too hard”, it’s “not a good time”, her life plans will change, she’s all alone, etc?  Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s hard.  I’ve been there, and I made the wrong decision.  I would give my life to take it back.  There is a person missing from my life because I made a decision based on fear.

I have to ask myself, why do people (mother, father, grandparents, etc.) grieve when someone finds out they are pregnant, and then miscarry?  They don’t say, “I lost a fetus”, “I lost the potential for a child”.   They say, “my baby died”, or “I lost my child.”  They grieve deeply.

Everyone I’ve ever known says the worst pain you can know on this earth is the loss of a child, and I can tell you that is true.  If I lost one of my boys, I don’t know how I would survive.  When I ended the life of my unborn baby, I didn’t want to survive.  I entertained thoughts of suicide, and I’m not the only one.  Most women I have talked to have thought of suicide after an abortion.  Can you imagine the grief of “losing” a child and having to acknowledge it was because of your own decision?

I ask the question, if I look at anyone I love today, or anyone around me, i.e., the girl sitting next to me in Starbucks, the people taking a walk in the park, etc., on what day would it have been okay to end their existence?  Everyone seems to agree that the minute a child is out of the womb, it’s not okay to end its life, so let’s start there.   What about the day before they’re born?  Keep going back one day at a time, and decide which day it’s okay to end it.  My clear and honest answer now is, it is never okay.  I do not have the right to make that decision regarding the life of another human being.  Even if they are growing in my own body.

Just because we haven’t seen with our own eyes the future of that precious human being, looked into their eyes, seen their sweet face, heard their cry, enjoyed their personality, that means it’s okay to end their life?  It’s like saying because you don’t know someone, you don’t care if they live or die.  But we don’t believe that, do we?  When I became a Christian, I began to understand what was in my heart that I could not define.  Life is precious, from the beginning.

So to be consistent, I cannot say this decision can be made on a case by case basis, depending on the circumstances or personal preference of the woman who carries the child.  Is it her body?  Of course.  But if she is pregnant, she is no longer alone.  There are two lives now.  To say it is not a life is only to justify the ending of the life.  If you’re not thinking about ending it, it’s a baby!  The rights of the one should not be canceled in the name of the rights of the other.  An innocent, vulnerable life is protected in every part of our society, except in this case.

I could have ended my life when I was 19 and suicidal (that’s another story).  I could not see my future.  I could not see the possibilities.  I did not yet know that we weather many storms in life that seem impossible, and I had yet not learned that you do get through, and that life is good.  I could never have imagined that I would have the best husband and three amazing sons.  It could have ended at 19.  And no one except God would have known the difference.  So it is the same with aborting an unborn child.  Only He knows what was lost.

I was 21.  I was a single waitress living in an apartment, and had just blown the engine on my car.  I was making poor choices with men and I was drinking quite a bit.

The bad choices began when my parents got a divorce when I was 18 just before I graduated from high school.   What I thought my future would look like had suddenly changed, and I did not cope well with the change in direction.  I felt very alone.  I was trying to figure out what to do, taking a few classes at JC, planning on becoming a nurse but not really working at my classes, waiting tables, drinking with my friends, dating the wrong kind of men.

I knew immediately when I got pregnant.  I knew the moment it happened.  I even prayed that I wasn’t pregnant but I knew it was too late.  It scared me.  I took several pregnancy tests that came up negative so I went to a clinic and asked for a blood test, which came back positive.

I was one of those people that said I would never have an abortion.  I didn’t feel it was right to make that decision for other people, but I always said I would never do it.  I told a couple of my friends.  One of them had had an abortion a few years earlier and didn’t think it was a big deal.  Another friend had three abortions (which were devastating to her).  Then I told the “father”, and he told me that he didn’t want a baby.  If he was going to be a Dad, “it would have been with his previous girlfriend that he really loved and not with me”.  And she had three abortions.  He offered to pay for it, but he never did and I never saw him again.  He was also related to one of my close friends.

So, I was on my own.  I shared my crisis with a few people, and they all asked what I was going to do.  How would I take care of a baby?  My own life was a mess.  I wanted to have my baby, but I could not see past my fear, and I did not have someone in my life that would help guide me through this crisis.  The clinic where I had the blood test gave me a number for a doctor who performed abortions.  No one ever asked me what I wanted to do.  It seemed to me everyone assumed I would have an abortion.

So, I made the decision even though I felt it was wrong with every fiber of my being.  I was not strong enough, feeling completely alone, to make the decision I wanted which was to have my baby.  So, I made the appointment with the doctor who never mentioned any other alternatives.

I remember the office seemed like a normal doctor’s office, except it wasn’t.  It did not have a good feeling inside.  I remember the front desk and being given the release form that stated all the possible complications like hemorrhage, death, infertility, etc., that could happen.  I almost left, but I didn’t.  A friend drove me there, and then drove me home.

I went into the back office and a nurse (I think) came in and gave me a gown.  I don’t remember anyone explaining the procedure to me.  It may have been done, but I don’t remember it.  I was terrified of what was about to happen.  I remember the nurse gave me two blue pills.  I have no idea what they were.  I remember the nurse was kind but I also remember wondering what else was going on with her.  She seemed hesitant, or something.  I don’t really know how to describe it.

Then, the doctor came in and talked to me briefly.  I remember lying down like you would for a gyn exam and the sound of the machine.  I began to cry.  I remember the pain of the procedure.  It was excruciating.  I held the nurse’s hand so tight that I thought I would break her fingers.  I remember audibly crying out to God over and over asking Him to forgive me for what I was doing.  My friend later told me she could hear me crying out in the waiting room.

I felt dazed and exhausted when it was over.  I remember the blood, and the canister that contained blood and tissue, and thinking “that’s what I did to my baby”.  The precious presence I felt before was now gone.

My friend drove me home and I wanted to be alone.  I don’t know how long I stayed in bed.  I felt unspeakable grief and regret.  It was so deep.  I felt numb, and depressed.

I started to drink a lot more.  I worked hard and I played hard.  I decided the only person I could count on was myself.  I didn’t need anyone, nor could I count on anyone.  I had a few good friends and my younger brother, but I “knew” in my hardened broken heart that I could only depend on myself to make it through this life.  I was depressed, angry, fearful.  I felt extreme shame and regret.  I had no purpose except to work, and party.  I didn’t like it, but I didn’t know how to change it.  I lived that way for many years . . .

Seven years later, I had an encounter with God.  With Jesus.  He forgave me for everything I’ve ever done wrong, even the abortion.  I felt a love for me I never imagined was possible, and peace in my heart for the first time in seven years.    And He gave me a new start.

I got married to a wonderful man a year later and have three amazing kids now, and a beautiful daughter-in-law. God has blessed me with a beautiful life.  One I don’t deserve and haven’t earned.  But that’s who He is.  Full of forgiveness, mercy, grace, healing, and blessings.

I lived with the secret of abortion for more than 25 years.  And I am done hiding it.  The truth of the destruction of abortion must be made known.

I must speak out about how abortion devastates women and kills babies.  My goal is to help women in crisis who just need someone to tell them they have someone who cares about them, will listen to them, pray for them, and encourage them to make a decision for the life they carry.  There is no obstacle too big that can’t be overcome with God’s help, friendship and support.  Keep looking until you find it.  Look for Women’s Resource Clinics in your area, who offer the supportive services you need to go forward on your new adventure of being a mom.

Bio: I have been married to my incredible husband, Mike, for nearly 25 years.  We have three grown sons, and a daughter-in-law.  I am a Registered Nurse, and I work with my husband in our financial management business.

I started this website because I every time I tell my story, I meet someone who is suffering in silence about the abortion(s) they had.  Like I suffered for many years.  They need to know that their broken heart can be healed.  I also hope that my story will help other women who are in a crisis pregnancy make the decision to keep their baby.  Whether you choose to raise your child, or pursue adoption, giving life to your baby is always the right choice.

I believe when women who have had abortions start to speak up about the devastation it has caused in their lives, it will become clear that abortion is not a simple solution to deal with the fears of an unplanned pregnancy, and how it will affect your life.  You realize your life has changed.  And it has changed.  It will never be the same again.  Having an abortion does not mean your life goes back to the way it was before you were pregnant.  An abortion may make your life look the same, but it will never be or feel the same again.  Everyone expects you to carry on, as you suffer in silence because no one understands that you are changed.  Your heart is broken.  You ended a life.  One you were supposed to protect.  Now, get to work, get back to school, put on that happy face, and get on with life!  That’s just not how it works.

The time of crisis is when you are trying to make a decision about what to do.  Once you make the decision to keep your baby, the crisis is over and you just need to get on with figuring things out, which you can do.  If you are afraid of how your life is going to change, that’s normal!!  Your hopes and dreams have not ended!  You’ve just changed course, which will happen during your life for many different reasons.  If you do not already have it, find support.  Keep looking until you find it.  Women’s crisis pregnancy centers were created to support women and help them get the resources they need.  They are a social and spiritual support system for you.  They are an incredible resource!  Especially if you have no other social support.

You were made strong.  Your body was made for this.  I know you have it in you to embrace this life change, and give life to your child.  I had it in me too.  At the time, I just didn’t know it . . .