That’s what I used to say.  I ask myself now, why did I say that?  It took me a long time before I could honestly ask myself this question.  Why did I think it was wrong for me?  Why didn’t I think it would be wrong for someone else if they wanted to have an abortion?

The reason I said I would never have an abortion is because I believed it was a life.  A baby.  An unborn child.  When I struggled with the decision to have an abortion, even though what I really wanted was to have my baby, I told myself if it didn’t have a heartbeat, and if I made the decision before that happened, it would be okay.  But it wasn’t even a little okay, and if you’ve read My Story, you know how I reacted.  No matter what I told myself, my heart knew the truth.  To have an abortion would mean ending a life.  At that time, I was not a Christian.  I was not raised in church.  I went to church a few times when I was younger, but that was it.  Where then did the thinking come from, that pregnancy meant life?  It was already written on my heart.

I ask myself, why is it that a woman who wants her baby tells everyone joyfully about becoming a mom as soon as she finds out?  And everyone celebrates with her? It’s because she already knows she’s a mom.  It doesn’t happen in nine months when she finally gets to hold the baby.  It starts immediately.  Clothes shopping, what’s the best and safest car seat, stroller shopping, planning a nursery, baby showers, celebrating, expectantly.  Watching week by week the development of her precious baby.  This week a heartbeat, next week hair, fingers and toes, etc., etc.  She doesn’t think to herself, ok now at ___ weeks, it’s finally a real baby.  It starts Day 1.  She worries about doing anything that might hurt her baby.  Careful with the caffeine, no alcohol.  Watch what you eat.  Get your folic acid.  Take care of yourself so you don’t do anything to harm your baby.  Protect, protect, protect.  The way it should be.

Where then did the notion come from that we could arbitrarily decide to end this life?  When it’s “too hard”, it’s “not a good time”, her life plans will change, she’s all alone, etc?  Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s hard.  I’ve been there, and I made the wrong decision.  I would give my life to take it back.  There is a person missing from my life because I made a decision based on fear.

I have to ask myself, why do people (mother, father, grandparents, etc.) grieve when someone finds out they are pregnant, and then miscarry?  They don’t say, “I lost a fetus”, “I lost the potential for a child”.   They say, “my baby died”, or “I lost my child.”  They grieve deeply.

Everyone I’ve ever known says the worst pain you can know on this earth is the loss of a child, and I can tell you that is true.  If I lost one of my boys, I don’t know how I would survive.  When I ended the life of my unborn baby, I didn’t want to survive.  I entertained thoughts of suicide, and I’m not the only one.  Most women I have talked to have thought of suicide after an abortion.  Can you imagine the grief of “losing” a child and having to acknowledge it was because of your own decision?

I ask the question, if I look at anyone I love today, or anyone around me, i.e., the girl sitting next to me in Starbucks, the people taking a walk in the park, etc., on what day would it have been okay to end their existence?  Everyone seems to agree that the minute a child is out of the womb, it’s not okay to end its life, so let’s start there.   What about the day before they’re born?  Keep going back one day at a time, and decide which day it’s okay to end it.  My clear and honest answer now is, it is never okay.  I do not have the right to make that decision regarding the life of another human being.  Even if they are growing in my own body.

Just because we haven’t seen with our own eyes the future of that precious human being, looked into their eyes, seen their sweet face, heard their cry, enjoyed their personality, that means it’s okay to end their life?  It’s like saying because you don’t know someone, you don’t care if they live or die.  But we don’t believe that, do we?  When I became a Christian, I began to understand what was in my heart that I could not define.  Life is precious, from the beginning.

So to be consistent, I cannot say this decision can be made on a case by case basis, depending on the circumstances or personal preference of the woman who carries the child.  Is it her body?  Of course.  But if she is pregnant, she is no longer alone.  There are two lives now.  To say it is not a life is only to justify the ending of the life.  If you’re not thinking about ending it, it’s a baby!  The rights of the one should not be canceled in the name of the rights of the other.  An innocent, vulnerable life is protected in every part of our society, except in this case.

I could have ended my life when I was 19 and suicidal (that’s another story).  I could not see my future.  I could not see the possibilities.  I did not yet know that we weather many storms in life that seem impossible, and I had yet not learned that you do get through, and that life is good.  I could never have imagined that I would have the best husband and three amazing sons.  It could have ended at 19.  And no one except God would have known the difference.  So it is the same with aborting an unborn child.  Only He knows what was lost.